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Act Third
Act Third
Scene I. - A Room in Sir Peter Teazle`s House
Enter Sir Peter Teazle, Sir Oliver Surface, and Rowley
Sir Pet. Well, then, we will see this fellow first, and have our wine
afterwards. But how is this, Master Rowley? I don`t see the jest of your
scheme.
Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, whom I was speaking of, is nearly
related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin, but has
been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes. He has applied, by letter,
since his confinement, both to Mr. Surface and Charles: from the former he has
received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has
done all that his extravagance has left him power to do; and he is, at this
time, endeavouring to raise a sum of money, part of which, in the midst of his
own distresses, I know he intends for the service of poor Stanley.
Sir. Oliv. Ah! he is my brother`s son.
Sir Pet. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to - Row. Why, sir, I
will inform Charles and his brother that Stanley has obtained permission to
apply personally to his friends; and, as they have neither of them ever seen
him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and he will have a fair opportunity
of judging, at least, of the benevolence of their dispositions: and believe
me, sir, you will find in the youngest brother one who, in the midst of folly
and dissipation, has still, as our immortal bard expresses it, - "a heart to
pity, and a hand, Open as day, for meeting charity."
Sir Pet. Psha! What signifies his having an open hand or purse either,
when he has nothing left to give? Well, well, make the trial, if you please.
But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative
to Charles` affairs?
Row. Below, waiting his commands, and no one can give him better
intelligence. - This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who, to do him justice,
had done every thing in his power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of
his extravagance.
Sir Pet. Pray let us have him in.
Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk up stairs. [Calls to Servant.
Sir Pet. But, pray, why should you suppose he will speak the truth?
Row. Oh, I have, convinced him that he has no chance of recovering
certain sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he
knows is arrived; so that your may depend on his fidelity to his own
interests. I have another evidence in my power, one Snake, whom I have
detected in a matter little short of forgery, and shall shortly produce to
remove some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, relative to Charles and Lady
Teazle.
Sir Pet. I have heard too much on that subject.
Row. Here comes the honest Israelite.
Enter Moses
- This is Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliv. Sir, I understand you have lately had great dealings with my
nephew Charles?
Mos. Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done all I could for him; but he was ruined
before he came to me for assistance.
Sir Oliv. That was unlucky, truly; for you have had no opportunity of
showing your talents.
Mos. None at all; I hadn`t the pleasure of knowing his distresses till he
was some thousands worse than nothing.
Sir Oliv. Unfortunate, indeed! But I suppose you have done all in your
power for him, honest Moses?
Mos. Yes, he knows that. This very evening I was to have brought him a
gentleman from the city, who does not know him, and will, I believe, advance
him some money.
Sir Pet. What, one Charles has never had money from before?
Mos. Yes, Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars, formerly a broker.
Sir Pet. Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought strikes me! - Charles, you say, does
not know Mr. Premium?
Mos. Not at all.
Sir Pet. Now then, Sir Oliver, you may have a better opportunity of
satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor relation: go with
my friend Moses, and represent Premium, and then, I`ll answer for it, you`ll
see your nephew in all his glory.
Sir Oliv. Egad, I like this idea better than the other, and I may visit
Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
Sir Pet. True - so you may.
Row. Well, this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure.
However, Moses, you understand Sir Peter, and will be faithful?
Mos. You may depend upon me. - [Looks at his watch.] This is near the
time I was to have gone.
Sir Oliv. I`ll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses - But hold! I
have forgot one thing - how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew?
Mos. There`s no need - the principal is Christian.
Sir Oliv. Is he? I`m very sorry to hear it. But, then again, ain`t I
rather too smartly dressed to look like a money lender?
Sir Pet. Not at all; `twould not be out of character, if you went in your
own carriage - would it, Moses?
Mos. Not in the least.
Sir Oliv. Well, but how must I talk; there`s certainly some cant of usury
and mode of treating that I ought to know?
Sir Pet. Oh, there`s not much to learn. The great point, as I take it, is
to be exorbitant enough in your demands. Hey, Moses?
Mos. Yes, that`s a very great point.
Sir Oliv. I`ll answer for`t I`ll not be wanting in that. I`ll ask him
eight or ten per cent. on the loan, at least.
Mos. If you ask him no more than that, you`ll be discovered immediately.
Sir Oliv. Hey! what, the plague! how much then?
Mos. That depends upon the circumstances. If he appears not very anxious
for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per cent.; but if you
find him in great distress, and want the moneys very bad, you may ask double.
Sir Pet. A good honest trade you`re learning, Sir Oliver!
Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so - and not unprofitable.
Mos. Then, you know, you haven`t the moneys yourself, but are forced to
borrow them for him of a friend.
Sir Oliv. Oh! I borrow it of a friend, do I?
Mos. And your friend is an unconscionable dog: but you can`t help that.
Sir Oliv. My friend an unconscionable dog, is he?
Mos. Yes, and he himself has not the moneys by him, but is forced to sell
stock at a great loss.
Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock at a great loss, is he? Well, that`s
very kind of him.
Sir Pet. I` faith, Sir Oliver - Mr. Premium, I mean - you`ll soon be
master of the trade. But, Moses! would not you have him run out a little
against the Annuity Bill? That would be in character, I should think.
Mos. Very much.
Row. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion
before he is suffered to ruin himself?
Mos. Ay, great pity!
Sir Pet. And abuse the public for allowing merit to an act whose only
object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious gripe of
usury, and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being
undone by coming into possession.
Sir Oliv. So, so - Moses shall give me farther instructions as we go
together.
Sir Pet. You will not have much time, for your nephew lives hard by.
Sir Oliv. Oh, never fear! my tutor appears so able, that though Charles
lived in the next street, it must be my own fault if I am not a complete rogue
before I turn the corner. [Exit with Moses.
Sir Pet. So, now, I think Sir Oliver will be convinced: you are partial,
Rowley, and would have prepared Charles for the other plot.
Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter.
Sir Pet. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I`ll hear what he has to say
presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her. - [Exit Rowley.] I should
be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were unjust.
I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to my friend Joseph - I am
determined I will do it - he will give me his opinion sincerely.
Enter Maria
So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with you?
Mar. No, sir; he was engaged.
Sir Pet. Well, Maria, do you not reflect, the more you converse with that
amiable young man, what return his partiality for you deserves?
Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent importunity on this subject
distresses me extremely - you compel me to declare, that I know no man who has
ever paid me a particular attention whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface.
Sir Pet. So - here`s perverseness! No, no, Maria, `tis Charles only whom
you would prefer. `Tis evident his vices and follies have won your heart.
Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know I have obeyed you in neither seeing
nor corresponding with him: I have heard enough to convince me that he is
unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot think it culpable, if while my understanding
severely condemns his vices, my heart suggests some pity for his distresses.
Sir Pet. Well, well, pity him as much as you please; but give your heart
and hand to a worthier object.
Mar. Never to his brother!
Sir Pet. Go, perverse and obstinate! But take care, madam; you have never
yet known what the authority of a guardian is: don`t compel me to inform you
of it.
Mar. I can only say, you shall not have just reason. `Tis true, by my
father`s will, I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute;
but must cease to think you so, when you would compel me to be miserable.
[Exit.
Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed as I am, every thing conspiring to fret
me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight, before her father, a
hale and hearty man, died, on purpose, I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing
me with the care of his daughter. - [Lady Teazle sings without.] But here
comes my helpmate! She appears in great good humour. How happy I should be if
I could tease her into loving me, though but a little!
Enter Lady Teazle
Lady Teazle, Lud! Sir Peter, I hope you haven`t been quarrelling with
Maria? It is not using me well to be ill-humoured when I am not by.
Sir Pet. Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to make me good
humoured at all times.
Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be in a charming
sweet temper at this moment. Do be good humoured now, and let me have two
hundred pounds, will you?
Sir Pet. Two hundred pounds; what, ain`t I to be in a good humour without
paying for it! But speak to me thus, and i` faith there`s nothing I could
refuse you. You shall have it; but seal me a bond for the repayment.
Lady Teaz. Oh, no - there - my note of hand will do as well.
[Offering her hand.
Sir Pet. And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an
independent settlement. I mean shortly to surprise you: but shall we always
live thus, hey?
Lady Teaz. If you please. I`m sure I don`t care how soon we leave off
quarrelling, provided you`ll own you were tired first.
Sir Pet. Well - then let our future contest be, who shall be most
obliging.
Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, good nature becomes you. You look now
as you did before we were married, when you used to walk with me under the
elms, and tell me stories of what a gallant you were in your youth, and chuck
me under the chin, you would; and asked me if I thought I could love an old
fellow, who would deny me nothing - didn`t you?
Sir Pet. Yes, yes, and you were as kind and attentive -
Lady Teaz. Ay, so I was, and would always take your part, when my
acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you into ridicule.
Sir Pet. Indeed!
Lady Teaz. Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, peevish
old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my
father, I have always defended you, and said, I didn`t think you so ugly by
any means.
Sir Pet. Thank you.
Lady Teaz. And I dared say you`d make a very good sort of a husband.
Sir Pet. And you prophesied right; and we shall now be the happiest
couple -
Lady Teaz. And never differ again?
Sir Pet. No, never! - though at the same time, indeed, my dear Lady
Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously; for in all our little
quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love, you always began first.
Lady Teaz. I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed, you always gave
the provocation.
Sir Pet. Now see, my angel! take care - contradicting isn`t the way to
keep friends.
Lady Teaz. Then don`t you begin it, my love!
Sir Pet. There, now! you - you are going on. You don`t perceive, my life,
that you are just doing the very thing which you know always makes me angry.
Lady Teaz. Nay, you know, if you will be angry without any reason, my
dear -
Sir Pet. There! now you want to quarrel again.
Lady Teaz. No, I`m sure I don`t: but, if you will be so peevish -
Sir Pet. There now! who begins first?
Lady Teaz. Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing - but there`s no bearing
your temper.
Sir Pet. No, no, madam: the fault`s in your own temper.
Lady Teaz. Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be.
Sir Pet. Your cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent gipsy.
Lady Teaz. You are a great bear, I`m sure, to abuse my relations.
Sir Pet. Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I
try to be friends with you any more!
Lady Teaz. So much the better.
Sir Pet. No, no, madam: `tis evident you never cared a pin for me, and I
was a madman to marry you - a pert, rural coquette, that had refused half the
honest squires in the neighbourhood!
Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a fool to marry you - an old dangling
bachelor, who was single at fifty, only because he never could meet with any
one who would have him.
Sir Pet. Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to listen to me: you
never had such an offer before.
Lady Teaz. No! didn`t I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who every body said
would have been a better match? for his estate is just as good as yours, and
he has broke his neck since we have been married.
Sir Pet. I have done with you, madam! You are an unfeeling, ungrateful -
but there`s an end of everything. I believe you capable of everything that is
bad. Yes, madam, I now believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam.
Yes, madam, you and Charles are, not without grounds -
Lady Teaz. Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not insinuate any such
thing! I`ll not be suspected without cause, I promise you.
Sir Pet. Very well, madam! very well! A separate maintenance as soon as
please. Yes, madam or a divorce! I`ll make an example of myself for the
benefit of all old bachelors. Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teaz. Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind
once more, we may be the happiest couple, and never differ again, you know:
ha! ha! ha! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only
interrupt you - so, bye! bye! [Exit.
Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures! can`t I make her angry either! Oh, I am
the most miserable fellow! But I`ll not bear her presuming to keep her temper:
no! she may break my heart, but she shan`t keep her temper. [Exit.
Scene II. - A Room in Charles Surface`s House
Enter Trip, Moses, and Sir Oliver Surface
Trip. Here, Master Moses! if you`ll stay a moment I`ll try whether -
what`s the gentleman`s name?
Sir Oliv. Mr. Moses, what is my name? [Aside to Moses.
Mos. Mr. Premium.
Trip. Premium - very well. [Exit taking snuff.
Sir Oliv. To judge by the servants, one wouldn`t believe the master was
ruined. But what! - sure, this was my brother`s house?
Mos. Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture,
pictures, &c., just as the old gentleman left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece
of extravagance in him.
Sir Oliv. In my mind, the other`s economy in selling it to him was more
reprehensible by half.
Re-enter Trip
Trip. My master says you must wait, gentlemen: he has company, and can`t
speak with you yet.
Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he would not
send such a message.
Trip. Yes, yes, sir; he knows you are here - I did not forget little
Premium: no, no, no.
Sir Oliv. Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be your name?
Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your service.
Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I
guess?
Trip. Why, yes - here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably
enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear - and not very
great either - but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets.
Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets! halters and bastinadoes! [Aside.
Trip. And a propos, Moses, have you been able to get me that little bill
discounted?
Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money too! - mercy on me! Has his distresses
too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns.
[Aside.
Mos. `Twas not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip.
Trip. Good luck, you surprise me! My friend Brush has indorsed it, and I
thought when he put his name at the back of a bill `twas the same as cash.
Mos. No, `twouldn`t do.
Trip. A small sum - but twenty pounds. Hark`ee, Moses, do you think you
couldn`t get it me by way of annuity?
Sir Oliv. An annuity! ha! ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity.
Well done, luxury, egad! [Aside.
Mos. Well, but you must insure your place.
Trip. Oh, with all my heart! I`ll insure my place, and my life too, if
you please.
Sir Oliv. It`s more than I would your neck. [Aside.
Mos. But is there nothing you could deposit?
Trip. Why, nothing capital of my master`s wardrobe has dropped lately;
but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of
redemption before November - or you shall have the reversion of the French
velvet, or a post-obit on the blue and silver; - these, I should think,
Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security - hey, my
little fellow?
Mos. Well, well. [Bell rings.
Trip. Egad, I heard the bell. I believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce
you. Don`t forget the annuity, little Moses! This way, gentlemen, I`ll insure
my place, you know.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the
temple of dissipation indeed! [Exeunt.
Scene III. - Another Room in the same
Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered
drinking
Chas. Surf. `Fore heaven, `tis true! - there`s the great degeneracy of
the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but,
plaque on `t, they won`t drink.
Care. It is so, indeed, Charles! they give into all the substantial
luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. Oh,
certainly society suffers by it intolerably! for now, instead of the social
spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their
conversation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, which has all the
pertness and flatulency of champagne, without its spirit or flavour.
1 Gent. But what are they to do who love play better than wine?
Care. True! there`s Sir Harry diets himself for gaming, and is now under
a hazard regimen.
Chas. Surf. Then he`ll have the worst of it. What! you wouldn`t train a
horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad, I am never
so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of
champagne, and I never lose.
All. Hey, what?
Care. At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing.
2 Gent. Ay, that I believe.
Chas. Surf. And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who
is an abjurer of wine? `Tis the test by which the lover knows his own heart.
Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is
the maid that has bewitched you.
Care. Now then, Charles, be honest, and give us your real favourite.
Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld her only in compassion to you. If I
toast her, you must give a round of her peers, which is impossible - on earth.
Care. Oh! then we`ll find some canonised vestals or heathen goddesses
that will do, I warrant.
Chas. Surf. Here, then, bumpers, you rogues! bumpers! Maria! Maria! -
Sir. Har. Maria who?
Chas. Surf. Oh, damn the surname! - `tis too formal to be registered in
Love`s calendar - Maria!
All. Maria!
Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have beauty superlative.
Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we`ll stand to the toast, though your
mistress should want an eye, and you know you have a song will excuse you.
Sir Har. Egad, so I have! and I`ll give him the song instead of the lady.
[Sings.
Here`s to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here`s to the widow of fifty;
Here`s to the flaunting extravagant quean,
And here`s to the housewife that`s thrifty.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, -
Drink to the lass,
I`ll warrant she`ll prove an excuse for the glass.
Here`s to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
Now to the maid who has none, sir:
Here`s to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
And here`s to the nymph with but one, sir.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
Here`s to the maid with a bosom of snow:
Now to her that`s as brown as a berry:
Here`s to the wife with a face full of woe,
And now to the damsel that`s merry.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
For let `em be clumsy, or let `em be slim,
Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
And let us e`en toast them together.
Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.
All. Bravo! bravo!
Enter Trip, and whispers Charles Surface
Chas. Surf. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little. - Careless, take the
chair, will you?
Care. Nay, pr`ythee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless
beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by chance?
Chas. Surf. No, faith! To tell you the truth, `tis a Jew and a broker,
who are come by appointment.
Care. Oh, damn it! let`s have the Jew in.
1 Gent. Ay, and the broker too, by all means.
2 Gent. Yes, yes, the Jew and the broker.
Chas. Surf. Egad, with all my heart! - Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in -
[Exit Trip.] Though there`s one of them a stranger, I can tell you.
Care. Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps
they`ll grow conscientious.
Chas Surf. Oh, hang `em, no! wine does but draw forth a man`s natural
qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their knavery.
Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface and Moses
Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses; walk in, pray, Mr. Premium - that`s the
gentleman`s name, isn`t it, Moses?
Mos. Yes, sir.
Chas. Surf. Set chairs, Trip. - Sit down, Mr. Premium. - Glasses, Trip. -
[Trip gives chairs and glasses, and exit.] Sit down, Moses. - Come, Mr.
Premium, I`ll give you a sentiment; here`s Success to usury! - Moses, fill the
gentleman a bumper.
Mos. Success to usury! [Drinks.
Care. Right, Moses - usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to
succeed.
Sir Oliv. Then here`s - All the success it deserves! [Drinks.
Care. No, no, that won`t do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast,
and must drink it in a pint bumper.
1 Gent. A pint bumper, at least.
Mos. Oh, pray, sir, consider - Mr. Premium`s a gentleman.
Care. And therefore loves good wine.
2 Gent. Give Moses a quart glass - this is mutiny, and a high contempt
for the chair.
Care. Here, now for `t! I`ll see justice done to the last drop of my
bottle.
Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemen - I did not expect this usage.
Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you shan`t; Mr. Premium`s a stranger.
Sir Oliv. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.
Care. Plague on `em then! if they won`t drink, we`ll not sit down with
them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room. - Charles, you`ll join us
when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
Chas. Surf. I will! I will! - [Exeunt Sir Harry Bumper and Gentlemen;
Careless following.] Careless!
Care. [Returning.] Well!
Chas. Surf. Perhaps I may want you.
Care. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, `tis all the
same to me. [Exit.
Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and
secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is -
Chas. Surf. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest
fellow, but a little slow at expression: he`ll be an hour giving us our
titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an
extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent
old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am block-head enough to give fifty
per cent, sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to
take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once,
and may proceed to business without further ceremony.
Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of
many compliments.
Chas. Surf. Oh, no sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you better for it. However, you are mistaken in one
thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a
friend; but then he`s an unconscionable dog. Isn`t he, Moses? And must sell
stock to accommodate you. Mustn`t he, Moses?
Mos. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a
lie!
Chas. Surf. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are
trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn`t to be bought without paying for
`t!
Sir Oliv. Well, but what security could you give! You have no land, I
suppose?
Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what`s in the boughpots
out of the window!
Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume?
Chas. Surf. Nothing but live stock - and that`s only a few pointers and
ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my
connexions?
Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am.
Chas. Surf. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the
East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?
Sir Oliv. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
Chas. Surf. Oh, no! - there can be no doubt. They tell me I`m a
prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me every thing.
Sir Oliv. Indeed! this is the first I`ve heard of it.
Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, `tis just so. Moses knows `tis true; don`t you,
Moses?
Mos. Oh, yes! I`ll swear to`t.
Sir Oliv. Egad, they`ll persuade me presently I`m at Bengal.
[Aside.
Chas. Surf. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it`s agreeable to you, a
post-obit on Sir Oliver`s life: though at the same time the old fellow has
been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear
that any thing had happened to him.
Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention
happens to be just the worst security you could offer me - for I might live to
a hundred and never see the principal.
Chas Surf. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you
would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliv. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had
in your life.
Chas. Surf. What! I suppose you`re afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a
life?
Sir Oliv. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and
healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Chas. Surf. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate
has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I`m
told - and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know
him.
Sir Oliv. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest
relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad - ha! ha! ha!
Chas. Surf. Ha! ha! - you`re glad to hear that, little Premium?
Sir Oliv. No, no, I`m not.
Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, your are - ha! ha! ha! - you know that mends our
chance.
Sir Oliv. But I`m told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is
actually arrived.
Chas. Surf. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he`s come or
not. No, no, rely on`t he`s at this moment at Calcutta. Isn`t he, Moses?
Mos. Oh, yes, certainly.
Sir Oliv. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I
have it from pretty good authority. Haven`t I, Moses?
Mos. Yes, most undoubted!
Sir Oliv. But, sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately,
is there nothing you could dispose of?
Chas. Surf. How do you mean?
Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind
him a great quantity of massy old plate.
Chas. Surf. O Lud! that`s gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better
than I can.
Sir Oliv. I [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
corporation-bowls! - [Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library was
one of the most valuable and compact.
Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, so it was - vastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For any part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I
thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family
like an heirloom! - [Aloud.] Pray, what are become of the books?
Chas. Surf. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I
don`t believe even Moses can direct you.
Mos. I know nothing of books.
Sir Oliv. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and if you have a taste
for old paintings, egad, you shall have `em a bargain!
Sir Oliv. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn`t sell your forefathers,
would you?
Chas. Surf. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliv. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Now I give him up! - [Aloud.] What the plauge, have
you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd`s life! do you take me for Shylock in
the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, don`t be angry: what need you care, if
you have your moneys` worth?
Sir Oliv. Well, I`ll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the
family canvas. - [Aside.] Oh, I`ll never forgive him this! never!
Re-enter Careless
Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Chas. Surf. I can`t come yet. I`faith, we are going to have a sale above
stairs; here`s little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
Care. Oh, burn your ancestors!
Chas. Surf. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless,
we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer - so come along with us.
Care. Oh, have with you, if that`s the case. I can handle a hammer as
well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.
Chas. Surf. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad`s
life, little Premium, you don`t seem to like the business?
Sir Oliv. Oh yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare
joke to sell one`s family by auction - ha!-ha! [Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
Chas. Surf. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should
be get assistance, if he can`t make free with his own relations!
Sir Oliv. I`ll never forgive him; never! never! [Exeunt.
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