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Act Fourth
Act Fourth
Scene I. - A Picture Room in Charles Surface`s House
Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless
Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlement, pray walk in; - here they are, the
family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of
portrait-painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of
your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to
make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and
not hurt the picture. No no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness -
all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature
besides.
Sir Oliv. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come,
get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here`s an old gouty chair of my
grandfather`s will answer the purpose.
Care. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven`t a hammers: and what`s
an auctioneer without his hammer?
Chas. Surf. Egad, that`s true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our
genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here Careless, you shall have no
common bit of mahogany, here`s the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall
be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own
pedigree.
Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue! - an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside.
Care, Yes, yes, here`s a list of your generation indeed; faith, Charles,
this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for
`twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come,
begin - A-going, a-going, a-going!
Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless! Well, here`s my great-uncle, Sir Richard
Raveline, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all
the Duke of Marlborough`s wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of
Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him - there`s a hero! not cut
out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig
and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid?
Sir Oliv. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
Mos. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I`m sure
that`s not dear for a staff-officer.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten
pounds! - [Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. - Here, now, is a
maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best
manner and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a
shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten - the
sheep are worth the money.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on
herself! - [Aloud.] Five pounds ten - she`s mine.
Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a
sort of cousins of theirs. - You see, Moses, these pictures were done some
time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower
in those days.
Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple for the same.
Mos. `Tis a good bargain.
Chas. Surf. Careless! - This, now, is a grandfather of my mother`s, a
learned judge, well known on the western circuit. - What do you rate him at,
Moses?
Mos. Four guineas.
Chas. Surf. Four guineas! Gad`s life, you don`t bid me the price of his
wig. - Mr Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his
lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliv. By all means.
Care. Gone!
Chas. Surf. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers; and, what`s very
extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or
sold.
Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I`ll take them at your own
price, for the honour of parliament.
Care. Well said, little Premium! I`ll knock them down at forty.
Chas. Surf. Here`s a jolly fellow - I don`t know what relation, but he
was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliv. No, no; six pounds will do for the mayor.
Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and I`ll throw you the two aldermen
there into the bargain.
Sir Oliv. They`re mine.
Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague
on`t! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale:
what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the
family in the lump.
Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
Sir Oliv. Well, well, any thing to accommodate you; they are mine. But
there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
Care. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee!
Sir Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don`t think him so ill-looking a
little fellow, by any means.
Chas. Surf. What, that? Oh; that`s my uncle Oliver! `twas done before he
went to India.
Care. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you`ll never be friends, Charles.
That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving
eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on`t.
Don`t you think so, little Premium?
Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking
face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with
the rest of the lumber?
Chas. Surf. No, hang it! I`ll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has
been very good to me, and, egad, I`ll keep his picture while I`ve a room to
put it in.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] The rogue`s my nephew after all! - [Aloud.] But, sir,
I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
Chas. Surf. I`m sorry for`t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons,
haven`t you got enough of them?
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] I forgive him every thing! - [Aloud.] But, sir, when I
take a whim in my head, I don`t value money. I`ll give you as much for that as
for all the rest.
Chas. Surf. Don`t tease me, master broker; I tell you I`ll not part with
it, and there`s an end of it.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is! - [Aloud.] Well, well,
I have done. - [Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw
such a striking resemblance. - [Aloud.] Here is a draft for your sum.
Chas. Surf. Why, `tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliv. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Chas. Surf. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
Sir Oliv. Then never mind the difference, we`ll balance that another
time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles
- I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. - Come, Moses.
Chas. Surf. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! - But hark`ee, Premium,
you`ll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, I`ll send for them in a day or two.
Chas. Surf. But hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
Sir Oliv. I will, I will - for all but Oliver.
Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliv. You`re fixed on that?
Chas. Surf. Peremptorily.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue! - [Aloud.] Good day! - Come,
Moses. - [Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate.
[Exit with Moses.
Care. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
Chas. Surf. Egad, he`s the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the
devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. - Ha! here`s Rowley. - Do,
Careless, say I`ll join the company in a few moments.
Care. I will - but don`t let that old blockhead persuade you to squander
any of that money on old musty debts, or any such non-sense; for tradesmen,
Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
Chas. Surf. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
Care. Nothing else.
Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, never fear. - [Exit Careless.] So! this was an odd
old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these five hundred and thirty
odd pounds are mine by right. `Fore heaven! I find one`s ancestors are more
valuable relations than I took them for! - Ladies and gentlemen, your most
obedient and very grateful servant.
[Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
Enter Rowley
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old
acquaintance.
Row. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such
spirits under so many distresses.
Chas. Surf. Why, there`s the point! my distresses are so many, that I
can`t afford to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all
in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more
sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, `tis very
affecting, but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
Row. There`s no making you serious a moment.
Chas. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me
this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old
Stanley.
Row. A hundred pounds! Consider only -
Chas. Surf. Gad`s life, don`t talk about it! poor Stanley`s wants are
pressing, and, if you don`t make haste, we shall have some one call that has a
better right to the money.
Row. Ah! there`s the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old
proverb -
Chas. Surf. Be just before you`re generous. - Why, so I would if I could;
but Justice is an old, hobbling beldame, and I can`t get her to keep pace with
Generosity, for the soul of me.
Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour`s reflection -
Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, it`s very true; but, hark`ee, Rowley, while I have,
by Heaven I`ll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
Scene II. - Another room in the same
Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Moses
Mos. Well, sir, I think, as Sir Peter said, you have seen Mr. Charles in
high glory; `tis great pity he`s so extravagant.
Sir Oliv. True, but he would not sell my picture.
Mos. And loves wine and women so much
Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture.
Mos. And games so deep.
Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture. Oh, here`s Rowley.
Enter Rowley
Row. So, Sir Oliver, I find you have made a purchase -
Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, our young rake has parted with his ancestors like old
tapestry.
Row. And here has he commissioned me to redeliver you part of the
purchase money - I mean, though, in your necessitous character of Old Stanley.
Mos. Ah! there is the pity of all; he is so damned charitable.
Row. And I left a hosier and two tailors in the hall, who, I`m sure,
won`t be paid, and this hundred would satisfy them.
Sir Oliv. Well, well, I`ll pay his debts, and his benevolence too. But
now I am no more a broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder brother as
old Stanley.
Row. Not yet awhile; Sir Peter, I know, means to call there about this
time.
Enter Trip
Trip. Oh, gentlemen, I beg pardon for not showing you out; this way -
Moses, a word. [Exit with Moses.
Sir Oliv. There`s a fellow for you! Would you believe it, that puppy
intercepted the Jew on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to
his master!
Row. Indeed!
Sir Oliv. Yes, they are now planning an annuity business. Ah, Master
Rowley, in my days servants were content with the follies of their masters,
when they were worn a little threadbare; but now they have their vices, like
their birthday clothes, with the gloss on.
[Exeunt.
Scene III. - A Library in Joseph Surface`s House
Enter Joseph Surface and Servant
Jos. Surf. No letter from Lady Teazle?
Ser. No, sir.
Jos. Surf. [Aside.] I am surprised she has not sent, if she is prevented
from coming. Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not
lose the heiress, through the scrape I have drawn myself into with the wife;
however, Charles` imprudence and bad character are great points in my favour.
[Knocking without.
Ser. Sir, I believe that must be Lady Teazle.
Jos. Surf. Hold! See whether it is or not, before you go to the door: I
have a particular message for you if it should be my brother.
Ser. `Tis her ladyship, sir; she always leaves her chair at the
milliner`s in the next street.
Jos. Surf. Stay, stay; draw that screen before the window - that will do;
- my opposite neighbour is a maiden lady of so curious a temper - [Servant
draws the screen, and exit.] I have a difficult hand to play in this affair.
Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but she must by no means
be let into that secret, - at least, till I have her more in my power.
Enter Lady Teazle
Lady Teaz. What, sentiment in soliloquy now? Have you been very
impatient? O Lud! don`t pretend to look grave. I vow I couldn`t come before.
Jos. Surf. O madam, punctuality is a species of constancy very
unfashionable in a lady of quality.
[Places chairs, and sits after Lady Teazle is seated.
Lady Teaz. Upon my word, you ought to pity me. Do you know Sir Peter is
grown so ill-natured to me of late, and so jealous of Charles too - that`s
the best of the story, isn`t it?
Jos. Surf. I am glad my scandalous friends keep that up. [Aside.
Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry him, and then
perhaps he would be convinced; don`t you, Mr. Surface?
Jos. Surf. [Aside.] Indeed I do not. - [Aloud.] Oh, certainly I do! for
then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were
of my having any design on the silly girl.
Lady Teaz. Well, well, I`m inclined to believe you. But isn`t it
provoking, to have the most ill-natured things said of one? And there`s my
friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don`t know how many scandalous tales of
me, and all without any foundation too; that`s what vexes me.
Jos. Surf. Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provoking circumstance -
without foundation; yes, yes, there`s the mortification, indeed; for when a
scandalous story is believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like
the consciousness of having deserved it.
Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I`d forgive their malice; but to attack
me, who am really so innocent, and who never say an ill-natured thing of any
body - that is, of any friend; and then Sir Peter, too, to have him so
peevish, and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my own heart - indeed
`tis monstrous!
Jos. Surf. But, my dear Lady Teazle, `tis your own fault if you suffer
it. When a husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his wife, and
withdraws his confidence from her, the original compact is broken, and she
owes it to the honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him.
Lady Teaz. Indeed! So that, if he suspects me without cause, it follows,
that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for`t?
Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly - for your husband should never be deceived in
you: and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
discernment.
Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you say is very reasonable, and when the
consciousness of my innocence -
Jos. Surf. Ah, my dear madam, there is the great mistake! `tis this very
conscious innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to you. What is it makes
you negligent of forms, and careless of the world`s opinion? why, the
consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you thoughtless in your
conduct, and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences? why, the
consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you impatient of Sir Peter`s
temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? why, the consciousness of your
innocence.
Lady Teaz. `Tis very true!
Jos. Surf. Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if you would but once make a
trifling faux pas, you can`t conceive how cautious you would grow, and how
ready to humour and agree with your husband.
Lady Teaz. Do you think so?
Jos. Surf. Oh, I am sure on`t; and then you would find all scandal would
cease at once, for - in short, your character at present is like a person in a
plethora, absolutely dying from too much health.
Lady Teaz. So, so; then I perceive your prescription is, that I must sin
in my own defence, and part with my virtue to preserve my reputation?
Jos. Surf. Exactly so, upon my credit, ma`am.
Lady Teaz. Well, certainly this is the oddest doctrine, and the newest
receipt for avoiding calumny!
Jos. Surf. An infallible one, believe me. Prudene, like experience, must
be paid for
Lady Teaz. Why, if my understanding were once convinced -
Jos. Surf. Oh, certainly, madam, your understanding should be convinced.
Yes, yes - Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do any thing you thought
wrong. No, no, I have too much honour to desire it.
Lady Teaz. Don`t you think we may as well leave honour out of the
argument? [Rises
Jos. Surf. Ah, the ill effects of your country education, I see, still
remain with you.
Lady Teaz. I doubt they do indeed; and I will fairly own to you, that if
I could be persuaded to do wrong, it would be by Sir Peter`s ill usage sooner
than your honourable logic, after all.
Jos. Surf. Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy of -
[Taking her hand.
Re-enter Servant
`Sdeath, you blockhead - what do you want?
Ser. I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you would not choose Sir Peter
to come up without announcing him.
Jos. Surf. Sir Peter! - Oons - the devil!
Lady Teaz. Sir Peter! O Lud! I`m ruined! I`m ruined!
Ser. Sir, `twasn`t I let him in.
Lady Teaz. Oh! I`m quite undone! What will become of me? Now, Mr. Logic -
Oh! mercy, sir, he`s on the stairs - I`ll get behind here - and if ever I`m so
imprudent again - [Goes behind the screen.
Jos. Surf. Give me that book.
[Sits down. Servant pretends to adjust his chair.
Enter Sir Peter Teazle
Sir. Pet. Ay, ever improving himself - Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface -
[Pats Joseph on the shoulder.
Jos. Surf. Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon. - [Gaping, throws
away the book.] I have been dozing over a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged
to you for this call. You haven`t been here, I believe, since I fitted up this
room. Books, you know, are the only things I am a coxcomb in.
Sir Pet. "Tis very neat indeed. Well, well, that`s proper; and you can
make even your screen a source of knowledge - hung, I perceive, with maps.
Jos. Surf. Oh, yes, I find great use in that screen.
Sir Pet. I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find any thing
in a hurry.
Jos. Surf. Ay, or to hide any thing in a hurry either. [Aside.
Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private business -
Jos. Surf. You need not stay. [To Servant.
Ser. No, sir. [Exit.
Jos. Surf. Here`s a chair, Sir Peter - I beg -
Sir Pet. Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, my dear friend, on
which I wish to unburden my mind to you - a point of the greatest moment to my
peace; in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle`s conduct of late has made me
very unhappy.
Jos. Surf. Indeed! I am very sorry to hear it.
Sir Pet. `Tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me; but,
what`s worse, I have pretty good authority to suppose she has formed an
attachment to another.
Jos. Surf. Indeed! you astonish me!
Sir Pet. Yes! and, between ourselves, I think I`ve discovered the person.
Jos. Surf. How! you alarm me exceedingly.
Sir Pet. Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sympathise with me!
Jos. Surf. Yes, believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery would hurt me
just as much as it would you.
Sir Pet. I am convinced of it. Ah! it is a happiness to have a friend
whom we can trust even with one`s family secrets. But have you no guess who I
mean?
Jos. Surf. I haven`t the most distant idea. It can`t be Sir Benjamin
Backbite!
Sir Pet. Oh no! What say you to Charles?
Jos. Surf. My brother! impossible!
Sir Pet. Oh, my dear friend, the goodness of your own heart misleads you.
You judge of others by yourself.
Jos. Surf. Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slow to credit another`s treachery.
Sir Pet. True; but your brother has no sentiment - you never hear him
talk so.
Jos. Surf. Yet I can`t but think Lady Teazle herself has too much
principle.
Sir Pet. Ay; but what is principle against the flattery of a handsome,
lively young fellow?
Jos. Surf. That`s very true.
Sir Pet. And then, you know, the difference of our ages makes it very
improbable that she should have any great affection for me; and if she were to
be frail, and I were to make it public, why the town would only laugh at me,
the foolish old bachelor, who had married a girl.
Jos. Surf. That`s true, to be sure - they would laugh.
Sir Pet. Laugh! ay, and make ballads, and paragraphs, and the devil knows
what of me.
Jos. Surf. No, you must never make it public.
Sir Pet. But then again - that the nephew of my old friend, Sir Oliver,
should be the person to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more nearly.
Jos. Surf. Ay, there`s the point. When ingratitude barbs the dart of
injury, the wound has double danger in it.
Sir Pet. Ay - I, that was, in a manner, left his guardian; in whose house
he had been so often entertained; who never in my life denied him - my advice!
Jos. Surf. Oh, `tis not to be credited! There may be a man capable of
such baseness, to be sure; but, for my part, till you can give me positive
proofs, I cannot but doubt it. However, if it should be proved on him, he is
no longer a brother of mine - I disclaim kindred with him: for the man who can
break the laws of hospitality, and tempt the wife of his friend, deserves to
be branded as the pest of society.
Sir Pet. What a difference there is between you! What noble sentiments!
Jos. Surf. Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle`s honour.
Sir Pet. I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground
of quarrel between us. She has lately reproached me more than once with having
made no settlement on her; and, in our last quarrel, she almost hinted that
she should not break her heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem to differ in our
ideas of expense, I have resolved she shall have her own way, and be her own
mistress in that respect for the future; and, if I were to die, she will find
I have not been inattentive to her interest while living. Here, my friend, are
the drafts of two deeds, which I wish to have your opinion on. By one, she
will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live; and, by the other,
the bulk of my fortune at my death.
Jos. Surf. This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. - [Aside.]
I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.
Sir Pet. Yes, I am determined she shall have no cause to complain, though
I would have not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection
yet awhile.
Jos. Surf. Nor I, if I could help it. [Aside.
Sir Pet. And now, my dear friend, if you please, we will talk over the
situation of your hopes with Maria.
Jos. Surf. [Softly.] Oh, no, Sir Peter; another time, if you please.
Sir Pet. I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make
in her affections.
Jos. Surf. [Softly.] I beg you will not mention it. What are my
disappointments when your happiness is in debate! - [Aside.] `Sdeath, I shall
be ruined every way!
Sir Pet. And though you are averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with
your passion, I`m sure she`s not your enemy in the affair.
Jos. Surf. Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige me. I am really too much affected
by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own
concerns. The man who is entrusted with his friend`s distresses can never -
Re-enter Servant
Well, sir?
Ser. Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gentleman in the street, and
says he knows you are within.
Jos. Surf. `Sdeath, blockhead, I`m not within - I`m out for the day.
Sir Pet. Stay - hold - a thought has struck me: - you shall be at home.
Jos. Surf. Well, well, let him come up. - [Exit Servant.] He`ll interrupt
Sir Peter, however. [Aside.
Sir Pet. Now, my good friend, oblige me, I entreat you. Before Charles
comes, let me conceal myself somewhere, then do you tax him on the point we
have been talking, and his answer may satisfy me at once.
Jos. Surf. Oh, fie, Sir Peter! would you have me join in so mean a trick?
- to trepan my brother too?
Sir Pet. Nay, you tell me you are sure he is innocent; if so you do him
the greatest service by giving him an opportunity to clear himself, and you
will set my heart at rest. Come, you shall not refuse me: [Going up.] here,
behind the screen will be - Hey! what the devil! there seems to be one
listener here already - I`ll swear I saw a petticoat!
Jos. Surf. Ha! ha! ha! Well, this is ridiculous enough. I`ll tell you,
Sir Peter, though I hold a man of intrigue to be a most despicable character,
yet, you know, it does not follow that one is to be an absolute Joseph either!
Hark`ee, `tis a little French milliner, a silly rogue that plagues me; and
having some character to lose, on your coming, sir, she ran behind the screen.
Sir Pet. Ah, Joseph! Joseph! Did I ever think that you - But, egad, she
has overheard all I have been saying of my wife.
Jos. Surf. Oh, `twill never go any farther, you may depend upon it!
Sir Pet. No! then, faith, let her hear it out. - Here`s a closet will do
as well.
Jos. Surf. Well, go in there.
Sir Pet. Sly rogue! sly rogue! [Goes into the closet.
Jos. Surf. A narrow escape, indeed! and a curious situation I`m in, to
part man and wife in this manner.
Lady Teaz. [Peeping] Couldn`t I steal off?
Jos. Surf. Keep close, my angel!
Sir Pet. [Peeping.] Joseph, tax him home.
Jos. Surf. Back, my dear friend!
Lady Teaz. [Peeping.] Couldn`t you lock Sir Peter in?
Jos. Surf. Be still, my life!
Sir Pet. [Peeping.] You`re sure the little milliner won`t blab?
Jos. Surf. In, in, my dear Sir Peter! - `Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to
the door.
Enter Charles Surface
Chas. Surf. Holla! brother, what has been the matter? Your fellow would
not let me up at first. What! have you had a Jew or a wench with you?
Jos. Surf. Neither, brother, I assure you.
Chas. Surf. But what has made Sir Peter steal off? I thought he had been
with you.
Jos. Surf. He was, brother; but, hearing you were coming, he did not
choose to stay.
Chas. Surf. What! was the old gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
of him?
Jos. Surf. No, sir; but I am sorry to find, Charles, you have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great uneasiness.
Chas. Surf. Yes, they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men. But
how so, pray?
Jos. Surf. To be plain with you, brother, he thinks you are endeavouring
to gain Lady Teazle`s affections from him.
Chas. Surf. Who, I? O Lud! not I, upon my word - Ha! ha! ha! so the old
fellow has found out that he has got a young wife, has he? - or, what is
worse, Lady Teazle has found out she has an old husband?
Jos. Surf. This is no subject to jest on, brother. He who can laugh -
Chas. Surf. True, true, as you were going to say - then, seriously, I
never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
Jos. Surf. Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.
[Raising his voice.
Chas. Surf. To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a
fancy to me; but, upon my soul, I never gave her the least encouragement.
Besides, you know my attachment to Maria.
Jos. Surf. But sure, brother, even if Lady Teazle had betrayed the
fondest partiality for you -
Chas. Surf. Why, look`ee Joseph, I hope I shall never deliberately do a
dishonourable action, but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself in
my way - and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her father -
Jos. Surf. Well!
Chas. Surf. Why, I believe I should be obliged to -
Jos. Surf. What?
Chas. Surf. To borrow a little of your morality, that`s all. But,
brother, do you know now that you surprise me exceedingly, by naming me with
Lady Teazle; for i` faith, I always understood you were her favourite.
Jos. Surf. Oh, for shame, Charles! This retort is foolish.
Chas. Surf. Nay, I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
glances -
Jos. Surf. Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest.
Chas. Surf. Egad, I`m serious! Don`t you remember one day, when I called
here -
Jos. Surf. Nay, pr`ythee, Charles -
Chas. Surf. And found you together -
Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir, I insist -
Chas. Surf. And another time when your servant -
Jos. Surf. Brother, brother, a word with you! - [Aside.] Gad, I must stop
him.
Chas. Surf. Informed, I say, that -
Jos. Surf. Hush! I beg your pardon, but Sir Peter has overheard all we
have been saying. I knew you would clear yourself, or I should not have
consented.
Chas. Surf. How, Sir Peter! Where is he?
Jos. Surf. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.
Chas. Surf. Oh, `fore Heaven, I`ll have him out. Sir Peter, come forth!
Jos. Surf. No, no -
Chas. Surf. I say, Sir Peter, come into court. - [Pulls in Sir Peter.]
What my old guardian! - What! turn inquisitor, and take evidence incog?
Oh, fie! Oh, fie!
Sir Pet. Give me your hand, Charles - I believe I have suspected; you
wrongfully; but you mustn`t be angry with Joseph - `twas my plan!
Chas. Surf. Indeed!
Sir. Pet. But I acquit you. I promise you I don`t think near so ill of
you as I did: what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
Chas. Surf. Egad, then, `twas lucky you didn`t hear any more.
Wasn`t it, Joseph?
Sir Pet. Ah! you would have retorted on him.
Chas. Surf. Ah, ay, that was a joke.
Sir Pet. Yes, yes, I know his honour too well.
Chas. Surf. But you might as well have suspected him as me in this
matter, for all that. Mightn`t he, Joseph?
Sir Pet. Well, well, I believe you.
Jos. Surf. Would they were both out of the room. [Aside.
Sir Pet. And in future, perhaps, we may not be such strangers.
Re-enter Servant, and whispers Joseph Surface
Ser. Lady Sneerwell is below, and says she will come up.
Jos. Surf. Lady Sneerwell! Gad`s life! she must not come here. [Exit
Servant.] Gentlemen, I beg pardon - I must wait on you down stairs: here is a
person come on particular business.
Chas. Surf. Well, you can see him in another room. Sir Peter and I have
not met a long time, and I have something to say to him.
Jos. Surf. [Aside.] They must not be left together. - [Aloud.] I`ll send
Lady Sneerwell away, and return directly. - [Aside to Sir Peter.] Sir Peter,
not a word of the French milliner.
Sir Pet. [Aside to Joseph Surface.] I! not for the world! - [Exit Joseph
Surface.] Ah, Charles, if you associated more with your brother, one might
indeed hope for your reformation. He is a man of sentiment. Well, there is
nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment.
Chas. Surf. Psha! he is too moral by half; and so apprehensive of his
good name, as he calls it, that I suppose he would as soon let a priest into
his house as a wench.
Sir Pet. No, no, - come, come - you wrong him. No, no! Joseph is no rake,
but he is no such saint either, in that respect. - [Aside.] I have a great
mind to tell him - we should have such a laugh at Joseph.
Chas. Surf. Oh, hang him! he`s a very anchorite, a young hermit!
Sir Pet. Hark`ee - you must not abuse him: he may chance to hear of it
again, I promise you.
Chas. Surf. Why, you won`t tell him?
Sir Pet. No - but - this way. [Aside.] Egad, I`ll tell him - [Aloud.]
Hark`ee - have you mind to have a good laugh at Joseph?
Chas. Surf. I should like it of all things.
Sir Pet. Then, i` faith, we will! I`ll be quit with him for discovering
me. He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.
Chas. Surf. What! Joseph? you jest.
Sir Pet. Hush! - a little French milliner - and the best of the jest is -
she`s in the room now.
Chas. Surf. The devil she is!
Sir Pet. Hush! I tell you. [Points to the screen.
Chas. Surf. Behind the screen! `Slife, let`s unveil her!
Sir Pet. No, no, he`s coming: - you sha`n`t, indeed!
Chas. Surf. Oh, egad, we`ll have a peep at the little milliner!
Sir Pet. Not for the world! - Joseph will never forgive me.
Chas. Surf. I`ll stand by you -
Sir Pet. Odds, here he is!
[Charles Surface throws down the screen.
Re-enter Joseph Surface
Chas. Surf. Lady Teazle, by all that`s wonderful.
Sir Pet. Lady Teazle, by all that`s damnable!
Chas. Surf. Sir Peter, this is one of the smartest French milliners I
ever saw. Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at hide
and seek, and I don`t see who is out of the secret. Shall I beg your ladyship
to inform me? Not a word! - Brother, will you be pleased to explain this
matter? What! is Morality dumb too? - Sir Peter, though I found you in the
dark, perhaps you are not so now! All mute! - Well - though I can make nothing
of the affair, I suppose you perfectly understand one another; so I`ll leave
you to yourselves. - [Going.] Brother, I`m sorry to find you have given that
worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness. - Sir Peter! there`s nothing in the
world so noble as a man of sentiment! [Exit.
Jos. Surf. Sir Peter - notwithstanding - I confess - that appearances are
against me - if you will afford me your patience - I make no doubt - but I
shall explain every thing to your satisfaction.
Sir Pet. If you please, sir.
Jos. Surf. The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, knowing my pretensions to
your ward Maria - I say, sir, Lady Teazle, being apprehensive of the jealousy
of your temper - and knowing my friendship to the family - she, sir, I say -
called here - in order that - I might explain these pretensions - but on your
coming - being apprehensive - as I said - of your jealousy - she withdrew -
and this, you may depend on it,is the whole truth of the matter.
Sir Pet. A very clear account, upon my word; and I dare swear the lady
will vouch for every article of it.
Lady Teaz. For not one word of it, Sir Peter!
Sir Pet. How! don`t you think it worth while to agree in the lie?
Lady Teaz. There is not one syllable of truth in what that gentleman has
told you.
Sir Pet. I believe you, upon my soul, ma`am!
Jos. Surf. [Aside to Lady Teazle.] `Sdeath, madam, will you betray me?
Lady Teaz. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I`ll speak for myself.
Sir Pet. Ay, let her alone, sir; you`ll find she`ll make out a better
story than you, without prompting.
Lady Teaz. Hear me, Sir Peter! - I came here on no matter relating to
your ward, and even ignorant of this gentleman`s pretensions to her. But I
came, seduced by his insidious arguments, at least to listen to his pretended
passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his baseness.
Sir Pet. Now, I believe thee truth is coming, indeed!
Jos. Surf. The woman`s mad!
Lady Teaz. No, sir; she has recovered her senses and your own arts have
furnished her with the means. - Sir Peter, I do not expect you to credit me -
but the tenderness you expressed for me, when I am sure you could not think I
was a witness to it, has so penetrated to my heart, that had I left the place
without the shame of this discovery, my future life should have spoken the
sincerity of my gratitude. As for that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who would
have seduced the wife of his too credulous friend, while he affected
honourable addresses to his war - I behold him now in a light so truly
despicable, that I shall never again respect myself for having listened to
him. [Exit.
Jos. Surf. Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, Heaven knows -
Sir Pet. That you are a villain! and so I leave you to your conscience.
Jos. Surf. You are too rash, Sir Peter; you shall hear me. The man who
shuts out conviction by refusing to -
Sir Pet. Oh, damn your sentiments!
[Exeunt Sir Peter and Joseph Surface, talking.
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