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Act Fifth
Act Fifth
Scene I. - The Library in Joseph Surface`s House
Enter Joseph Surface and Servant
Jos. Surf. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you
must know he comes to ask something.
Ser. Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the
door with him.
Jos. Surf. Psha! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper
to receive visits from poor relations! - Well, why don`t you show the fellow
up?
Ser. I will, sir. - Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter
discovered my lady -
Jos. Surf. Go, fool! - [Exit Servant.] Sure Fortune never played a man of
my policy such a trick before! My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with
Maria, destroyed in a moment! I`m in a rare humour to listen to other people`s
distresses! I sha`n`t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on
Stanley. - So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover
myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. [Exit.
Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley
Sir Oliv. What! does he avoid us? That was he, was it not?
Row. It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His
nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him.
I should have gone first to break it to him.
Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols
as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking!
Row. As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do
him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private
gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself
in the exercise of it.
Sir Oliv. Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers`
ends.
Row. Or, rather, at his tongue`s end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is
no sentiment he has such faith in as that Charity begins at home.
Sir Oliv. And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs
abroad at all.
Row. I doubt you`ll find it so; but he`s coming. I mustn`t seem to
interrupt you; and you know, immediately as you leave him, I come in to
announce your arrival in your real character.
Sir Oliv. True; and afterwards you`ll meet me at Sir Peter`s.
Row. Without losing a moment.
[Exit.
Sir Oliv. I don`t like the complaisance of his features.
Re-enter Joseph Surface
Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment
waiting. - Mr. Stanley, I presume.
Sir Oliv. At your service.
Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down - I entreat
you, sir.
Sir Oliv. Dear sir - there`s no occasion. - [Aside.] Too civil by half!
Jos. Surf. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am
extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother,
I think, Mr. Stanley?
Sir Oliv. I was, sir; so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do
discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble
you.
Jos. surf. Dear sir, there needs no apology; - he that is in distress,
though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I
wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small
relief.
Sir Oliv. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend.
Jos. Surf. I wish he was, sir, with all my heart; you should not want an
advocate with him, believe me, sir.
Sir Oliv. I should not need one - my distresses would recommend me. But I
imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity.
Jos. Surf. My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a
worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I
will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a
mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and for my part,
I never chose to contradict the report.
Sir Oliv. What! has he never transmitted you bullion - rupees - pagodas?
Jos. Surf. Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; a few presents now
and then - china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats and Indian crackers - little
more, believe me.
Sir Oliv. Here`s gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! - Avadavats and
Indian crackers! [Aside.
Jos. Surf. Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not, of the
extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done
for that unfortunate young man.
Sir Oliv. Not I, for one! [Aside.
Jos. Surf. The sums I have lent him! Indeed I have been exceedingly to
blame; it was an amiable weakness; however, I don`t pretend to defend it - and
now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of
serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Dissembler! - [Aloud.] Then, sir, you can`t assist me?
Jos. Surf. At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I
have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
Sir Oliv. I am extremely sorry -
Jos. Surf. Not more than I, believe me; to pity, without the power to
relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied.
Sir Oliv. Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant.
Jos. Surf. You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley. - William, be ready
to open the door. [Calls to Servant.
Sir Oliv. Oh, dear sir, no ceremony.
Jos. Surf. Your very obedient.
Sir Oliv. Your most obsequious.
Jos. Surf. You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of
service.
Sir Oliv. Sweet sir, you are too good!
Jos. Surf. In the meantime I wish you health and spirits.
Sir Oliv. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant.
Jos. Surf. Sir, yours as sincerely.
Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Now I am satisfied. [Exit.
Jos. Surf. This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites
application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address
to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The
silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man`s
good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes
just as good a show, and pays no tax.
Re-enter Rowley
Row. Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you,
though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you.
Jos. Surf. Always happy to see Mr. Rowley, - a rascal, - [Aside. Reads
the letter.] Sir Oliver Surface! - My uncle arrived!
Row. He is, indeed: we have just parted - quite well, after a speedy
voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew.
Jos. Surf. I am astonished! - William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he`s not
gone. [Calls to Servant.
Row. Oh! he`s out of reach, I believe.
Jos. Surf. Why did you not let me know this when you came in together?
Row. I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform
your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in
a quarter of an hour.
Jos. Surf. So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming. -
[Aside.] Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky!
Row. You will be delighted to see how well he looks.
Jos. Surf. Oh! I`m overjoyed to hear it. - [Aside.] Just at this time!
Row. I`ll tell him how impatiently you expect him.
Jos. Surf. Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot
express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. - [Exit Rowley.]
Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill fortune.
[Exit.
Scene II. - A Room in Sir Peter Teazle`s House
Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid
Maid. Indeed, ma`am, my lady will see nobody at present.
Mrs. Can. Did you tell her it was her friend Mrs. Candour?
Maid. Yes, ma`am; but she begs you will excuse her.
Mrs. Can. Do go again; I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a
moment, for I am sure she must be in great distress. - [Exit Maid.] Dear
heart, how provoking! I`m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall
have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at
length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses.
Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite
Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose -
Sir Ben. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface -
Mrs. Can. And Sir Peter`s discovery -
Sir Ben. Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure!
Mrs. Can. Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for
all parties, indeed.
Sir Ben. Now, I don`t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly
partial to Mr. Surface.
Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface! Why, `twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
Sir Ben. No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant.
Mrs. Can. No such thing! Charles is the man. `Twas Mr. Surface brought
Sir Peter on purpose to discover them.
Sir Ben. I tell you I had it from one -
Mrs. Can. And I have it from one -
Sir Ben. Who had it from one, who had it -
Mrs. Can. From one immediately. But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps
she knows the whole affair.
Enter Lady Sneerwell
Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here`s a sad affair of our friend
Lady Teazle!
Mrs. Can. Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought -
Lady Sneer. Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she
was always too lively for me.
Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she
was so young!
Lady Sneer. And had, indeed, some good qualities.
Mrs. Can. So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars?
Lady Sneer. No; but every body says that Mr. Surface -
Sir Ben. Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man.
Mrs. Can. No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles.
Lady Sneer. With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour!
Mrs. Can. Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was
only the informer.
Sir Ben. Well, I`ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which
it may, I hope that Sir Peter`s wound will not -
Mrs. Can. Sir Peter`s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn`t hear a word of their
fighting.
Lady Sneer. Nor I, a syllable.
Sir Ben. No! what, no mention of the duel?
Mrs. Can. Not a word.
Sir Ben. Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room.
Lady Sneer. Pray, let us hear.
Mrs. Can. Ay, do oblige us with the duel.
Sir Ben. Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a
most ungrateful fellow.
Mrs. Can. Ay, to Charles -
Sir Ben. No, no - to Mr. Surface - a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I
am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction.
Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for `tis very unlikely Mr.
Surface should fight in his own house.
Sir Ben. Gad`s life, ma`am, not at all - giving me immediate
satisfaction. - On this, ma`am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger,
ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out
for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords -
Enter Crabtree
Crab. With pistols, nephew, pistols! I have it from undoubted authority.
Mrs. Can. Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true!
Crab. Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded -
Sir Ben. By a thrust in segoon quite through his left side -
Crab. By a bullet lodged in the thorax.
Mrs. Can. Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter!
Crab. Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he
could.
Mrs. Can. I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person.
Sir Ben. My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter.
Crab. But Sir Peter taxed him with basest ingratitude -
Sir Ben. That I told you, you know -
Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak! - and insisted on immediate -
Sir Ben. Just as I said -
Crab. Odd`s life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of
pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night
before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend,
who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged.
Sir Ben. I heard nothing of this.
Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems,
pretty nearly together. Charles` shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir
Peter`s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a
little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fire place, grazed out of the
window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the
door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
Sir Ben. My uncle`s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I
believe mine is the true one, for all that.
Lady Sneer. [Aside.] I am more interested in this affair than they
imagine, and must have better information. [Exit.
Sir Ben. Ah! Lady Sneerwell`s alarm is very easily accounted for.
Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do say - but that`s neither here nor
there.
Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present?
Crab. Oh! they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the
servants are ordered to deny him.
Mrs. Can. I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him.
Crab. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me.
Sir Ben. Hey! who comes here?
Crab. Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on`t.
Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know.
Enter Sir Oliver Surface
Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes?
Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how`s your patient?
Sir Ben. Now, doctor, isn`t it a wound with a small sword?
Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred!
Sir Oliv. Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the
thorax! - Oons! are you mad, good people?
Sir Ben. Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor?
Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am.
Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter`s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must
have heard of his accident?
Sir Oliv. Not a word!
Crab. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
Sir Oliv. The devil he is!
Sir Ben. Run through the body -
Crab. Shot in the breast -
Sir Ben. By one Mr. Surface -
Crab. Ay, the younger.
Sir Oliv. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your
accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
Sir Ben. Oh, yes, we agree in that.
Crab. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that.
Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the
most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was
the matter.
Enter Sir Peter Teazle
Odd`s heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had
just given you over!
Sir Ben. [Aside to Crabtree.] Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden
recovery!
Sir Oliv. Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through
your body, and a bullet logged in your thorax?
Sir Pet. A small-sword and a bullet!
Sir Oliv. Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or
physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice.
Sir Pet. Why, what is all this?
Sir Ben. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true,
and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune.
Sir Pet. So, so; all over the town already! [Aside.
Crab. Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at
your years.
Sir Pet. Sir, what business is that of yours?
Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he`s very
much to be pitied.
Sir Pet. Plague on your pity, ma`am! I desire none of it.
Sir Ben. However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you
will meet with on the occasion.
Sir Pet. Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house.
Crab. `Tis no uncommon case, that`s one comfort.
Sir Pet. I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony, I insist on
your leaving my house directly!
Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going; and depend on`t, we`ll make the best
report of it we can. [Exit.
Sir Pet. Leave my house!
Crab. And tell how hardly you`ve been treated. [Exit.
Sir Pet. Leave my house!
Sir Ben. And how patiently you bear it. [Exit.
Sir Pet. Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke
them!
Sir Oliv. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter Rowley
Row. I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir?
Sir Pet. Psha! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my
vexations?
Row. Well, I`m not inquisitive.
Sir Oliv. Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we
proposed.
Sir Pet. A precious couple they are!
Row. Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir
Peter.
Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all.
Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment.
Sir Oliv. And acts up to the sentiments he professes.
Row. It certainly is edification to hear him talk.
Sir Oliv. Oh, he`s a model for the young men of the age! - but how`s
this, Sir Peter? you don`t join us in your friend Joseph`s praise, as I
expected.
Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we
praise the better.
Row. What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your
life?
Sir Pet. Psha! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard
the whole affair. I shall go mad among you!
Row. Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted
with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface`s so humbled, that she
deigned to request me to be her advocate with you.
Sir Pet. And does Sir Oliver know all this?
Sir Oliv. Every circumstance.
Sir Pet. What, of the closet and the screen, hey?
Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been
vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Pet. `Twas very pleasant.
Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha! ha!
Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha!
Row. To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain!
Sir Oliv. Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet:
ha! ha! ha!
Sir Pet. Ha! ha! `twas devilish entertaining, to be sure!
Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your
face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha!
Sir Pet. Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha!
Oh, I must never show my head again!
Sir Oliv. But come, come, it isn`t fair to laugh at you neither, my old
friend; though, upon my soul, I can`t help it.
Sir Pet. Oh, pray don`t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not
hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a
standing jest for all one`s acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and
then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr. S----, Lady T----, and Sir
P----, will be so entertaining!
Row. Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of
fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must
desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
Sir Oliv. Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I`ll
leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all
presently to Mr. Surface`s, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a
libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy.
Sir Pet. I`ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my
heart; though `tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries.
Row. We`ll follow. [Exit Sir Oliver Surface.
Sir Pet. She is not coming here, you see, Rowley.
Row. No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See,
she is in tears.
Sir Pet. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a
wife. Don`t you think it will do her good to let her pine a little?
Row. Oh, this is ungenerous in you!
Sir Pet. Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found
to hers evidently intended for Charles?
Row. A mere forgery, Sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one
of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of.
Sir Pet. I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a
remarkably elegant turn of the head she has! Rowley, I`ll go to her.
Row. Certainly.
Sir Pet. Though, when it is known that we are reconciled, people will
laugh at me ten times more.
Row. Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are
happy in spite of it.
Sir Pet. I` faith, so I will! and, if I`m not mistaken, we may yet be the
happiest couple in the country.
Row. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion -
Sir Pet. Hold, Master Rowley! if you have any regard for me, never let me
hear you utter any thing like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve
me the rest of my life. [Exeunt.
Scene III. - The Library of Joseph Surface`s House
Enter Joseph Surface and Lady Sneerwell.
Lady Sneer. Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to
Charles, and of course no longer oppose his union with Maria? The thought is
distraction to me.
Jos. Surf. Can passion furnish a Remedy?
Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning either. Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league
with such a blunderer!
Jos. Surf. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see
I bear the accident with calmness.
Lady Sneer. Because the disappointment doesn`t reach your heart; your
interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that
ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your
showing the sharpness of your vexation.
Jos. Surf. But why should you reproaches fall on me for this
disappointment?
Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause of it? Had you not a sufficient field
for your roguery in imposing upon Sir Peter, and supplanting your brother, but
you must endeavour to seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crimes; `tis
an unfair monopoly, and never prospers.
Jos. Surf. Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from
the direct road of wrong, but I don`t think we`re so totally defeated neither.
Lady Sneer. No!
Jos. Surf. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and
that you still believe him faithful to us?
Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might have assisted.
Jos. Surf. Come, come; it is not too late yet. - [Knocking at the door.]
But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to that room; we`ll
consult farther when he is gone.
Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should find you out too?
Jos. Surf. Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for
his own credit`s sake - and you may depend on it I shall soon discover Sir
Oliver`s weak side!
Lady Sneer. I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to
one roguery at a time.
Jos. Surf. I will, I will! - [Exit Lady Sneerwell.] So! `tis confounded
hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one`s confederate in evil. Well,
at all events, my character is so much better than Charles`, that I certainly
- hey! - what - this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on`t
that he should return to tease me just now! I shall have Sir Oliver come and
find him here - and -
Enter Sir Oliver Surface
Gad`s life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this
time? You must not stay now, upon my word.
Sir Oliv. Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he
has been so penurious to you, I`ll try what he`ll do for me.
Jos. Surf. Sir, `tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg - Come
any other time, and I promise you, you shall be assisted.
Sir Oliv. No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted
Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly.
Sir Oliv. Nay, sir -
Jos. Surf. Sir, I insist on`t - Here, William! show this gentleman out.
Since you compel me, sir, not one moment - this is such insolence. [Going to
push him out.
Enter Charles Surface
Chas. Surf. Heyday! what`s the matter now? What the devil, have you got
hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother, don`t hurt little Premium.
What`s the matter, my little fellow?
Jos. Surf. So! he has been with you too, has he?
Chas. Surf. To be sure, he has. Why, he`s as honest a little - But sure,
Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you?
Jos. Surf. Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver
here every -
Chas. Surf. O Gad, that`s true! Noll mustn`t find the little broker here,
to be sure.
Jos. Surf. Yet Mr. Stanley insists -
Chas. Surf. Stanley! why his name`s Premium.
Jos. Surf. No, sir, Stanley.
Chas. Surf. No, no, Premium.
Jos. Surf. Well, no matter which - but -
Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, `tis the same thing, as you say;
for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the
coffee-house. [Knocking.
Jos. Surf. `Sdeath! here`s Sir Oliver at the door. - Now I beg, Mr.
Stanley -
Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. Premium -
Sir Oliv. Gentlemen -
Jos. Surf. Sir, by Heaven you shall go!
Chas. Surf. Ay, out with him, certainly!
Sir Oliv. This violence -
Jos. Surf. Sir, `tis your own fault.
Chas. Surf. Out with him, to be sure.
[Both forcing Sir Oliver out.
Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley
Sir Pet. My old friend, Sir Oliver - hey! What in the name of wonder -
here are dutiful nephews - assault their uncle at a first visit!
Lady Teaz. Indeed, Sir Oliver, `twas well we came in to rescue you.
Row. Truly it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old
Stanley was no protection to you.
Sir Oliv. Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not
extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other I stood a
chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being
bid for.
Jos. Surf. Charles!
Chas. Surf. Joseph!
Jos. Surf. `Tis now complete!
Chas. Surf. Very.
Sir Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too - look on that elder
nephew of mine, You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you
also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust
for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of
truth, charity, and gratitude!
Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I
had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical.
Lady Teaz. And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him
call me to his character.
Sir Pet. Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he
will consider it as the most perfect punishment, that he is known to the
world.
Chas. Surf. If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me,
by and by? [Aside.
[Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire.
Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his brother, there -
Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin
me! [Aside.
Jos. Surf. Sir Oliver - uncle, will you honour me with a hearing?
Chas. Surf. Now, if Joseph would make one of his long speeches I might
recollect myself a little. [Aside.
Sir Oliv. [To Joseph Surface.] I suppose you would undertake to justify
yourself?
Jos. Surf. I trust I could.
Sir Oliv. [To Charles Surface.] Well, sir! - and you could justify
yourself too, I suppose?
Chas. Surf. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
Sir. Oliv. What! - Little Premium has been let too much into the secret,
I suppose?
Chas. Surf. True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be
mentioned again, you know.
Row, Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles` follies with
anger.
Sir Oliv. Odd`s heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either. Sir Peter,
do you know the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges
and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china.
Chas. Surf. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the
family canvas, that`s the truth on`t. My ancestors may rise in judgment
against me, there`s no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you -
and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not - that if I do not appear
mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because I feel at this moment
the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor.
Sir Oliv. Charles, I believe you, Give me your hand again: the
ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace.
Chas. Surf. Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased.
Lady Teaz. [Advancing.] Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one Charles
is still more anxious to be reconciled to.
[Pointing to Maria.
Sir Oliv. Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young
lady`s pardon, if I construe right - that blush -
Sir Pet. Well, child, speak your sentiments!
Mar. Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he
is happy; for me, whatever claim I had to his attention, I willingly resign to
one who has a better title.
Chas. Surf. How, Maria!
Sir Pet. Heyday! what`s the mystery now? While he appeared an
incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is
likely to reform I`ll warrant you won`t have him!
Mar. His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
Chas. Surf. Lady Sneerwell!
Jos. Surf. Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on
this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and Lady Sneerwell`s injuries
can no longer be concealed. [Opens the door.
Enter Lady Sneerwell
Sir Pet. So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in
the house, I suppose!
Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised, and feel for
the indelicate situation your perfidy has forced me into.
Chas. Surf. Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? For, as I have
life, I don`t understand it.
Jos. Surf. I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more
necessary to make it extremely clear.
Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake. - Rowley, you were
perfectly right to bring him with us, and pray let him appear.
Row. Walk in, Mr. Snake.
Enter Snake
I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily,
that he comes to confront Lady Sneerwell, not to support her.
Lady Sneer. A villain! Treacherous to me at last! Speak, fellow, have you
too conspired against me?
Snake; I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons: you paid me extremely
liberally for the lie in question; but I unfortunately have been offered
double to speak the truth.
Sir Pet. Plot and counter-plot, egad! I wish your ladyship joy of your
negotiation.
Lady Sneer. The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! [Going.
Lady Teaz. Hold, Lady Sneerwell - before you go, let me thank you for the
trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to
Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me also request you to make my
respects to the scandalous college of which you are president, and inform them
that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted
her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer.
Lady Sneer. You too, madam! - provoking - insolent! May your husband live
these fifty years! [Exit.
Sir Pet. Oons! what a fury!
Lady Teaz. A malicious creature, indeed!
Sir Pet. What! not for her last wish?
Lady Teaz. Oh, no!
Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have you to say now?
Jos. Surf. Sir. I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be
guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know
not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to
injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. For the man who
attempts to - [Exit.
Sir Pet. Moral to the last!
Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can. Oil and vinegar! - egad
you`ll do very well together.
Row. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at present?
Snake. Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I
have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present.
Sir Pet. Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last.
Snake. But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known.
Sir Pet. Hey! what the plague! are you ashamed of having done a right
thing once in your life?
Snake. Ah, sir, consider - I live by the badness of my character; and, if
it were once known that I had been betrayed into an honest action, I should
lose every friend I have in the world.
Sir Oliv. Well, well - we`ll not traduce you by saying any thing in your
praise, never fear. [Exit Snake.
Sir Pet. There`s a precious rogue!
Lady Teaz. See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion now to reconcile
your nephew and Maria,
Sir Oliv. Ay, ay, that`s as it should be, and, egad, we`ll have the
wedding to-morrow morning.
Chas. Surf. Thank you, dear uncle.
Sir Pet. What, you rogue! don`t you ask the girls consent first?
Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a long time - a minute ago - and she has
looked yes.
Mar. For shame, Charles! - I protest, Sir Peter, there has not been a
word -
Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the better; may your love for each other
never know abatement.
Sir Pet. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I intend
to do!
Chas. Surf. Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I
suspect that I owe you much.
Sir Oliv. You do, indeed, Charles.
Sir Pet. Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform.
Chas. Surf. Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I`ll make no promises, and
that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it. But here shall be my
monitor - my gentle guide. - Ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes
illumine?
Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty`s sway,
Thou still must rule, because I will obey:
An humble fugitive from Folly view,
No sanctuary near but Love and you:
[To the Audience.
You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove,
For even Scandal dies, if you approve.
[Exeunt omnes.
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